Trial again. Lost track of the days. Used to have a way to count the hours. This flask is convenient, but it takes away my measure. Don’t have anything to count anymore.
Went back to Professor what’s-his-name, got him to cast the spell so we could talk to the kid. Kid said that she’d been killed by a ghost, and had never seen the beast. Figured. Professor wouldn’t come in and testify, though, so it was just our word in court. Apathetic bastard.
And you’re any different? Careful, your justice streak is showing. You cared once, remember? Mo The claw-girl said I tried to warn her. Told her I was leaving after the trial. Told her she’d be better off. She didn’t listen. Said she’d miss me if I was gone. Why? How long has it been since anyone cared whether you were alive or dead? You could have died in Daggermark a hundred times over, and if your body wasn’t in middle of a tavern, no one would have noticed for days. Even bodies on the street aren’t commented on. You got used to living like a rat in a hole, hiding from the living, hiding from everything. You remember how dark that room was. Do you really want to go back? It’s better for them this way. Better for you.
Went to the courthouse. Holy man wanted me to talk. Like fucking hell I was going up there. They were doing just fine without me. Judges seemed to be listening to us.
Then the beast started crying when that one kid’s name was mentioned, the one he’d supposedly carried back into town, the one they’d thought he was laughing over.
Le Ragged boy asked me to talk about that. Said that we needed to bring it up, that there wasn’t anyone else. Shit shit shit shit shit
Went up. Was getting shaky. Hadn’t had a drink since the trial started.
Who fucking listens to a drunk as a witness anyway? They were all staring at me. Couldn’t think for a minute. Couldn’t breathe. The others, they’re always around, constantly talking and asking things…it’s like drowning in words. You lost track of words for awhile, remember? A sentence or so every day, maybe two. Maybe none, if you had enough food and drink.
Said what the ragged boy had wanted me to say. Didn’t do as well as the others. At least they didn’t turn on us.
Holy man took my hand afterward, said I’d done all right—
Court ended. Ragged boy warned us that the spectators didn’t seem too happy with the way the trial was going. They wanted him to
burn die. Judge said that we should keep an eye on the beast, keep them from taking justice into their own hands. Had the thought that I’d rather just shoot them and be done with it. It was wrong.
Went to see the last witness, the one from the arson case.
Why is it always fucking fire? He was blind. Had lost his master and everyone else in the fire. And he still wanted the beast to burn, to inflict that fate on another creature. Wouldn’t you? If someone found that thing that— The monster that took Aja and Those raiders— If they were found— What would you do? Nothing. Nothing will bring them back.
They wanted to go. To the place that had burned. Couldn’t talk them out of it. Almost stayed behind. Would have, if they’d argued with me about it. But they all seemed…understanding.
Pitying. Couldn’t let them think I was weak. Even though you are. Holy man said I was troublesome. And stubborn.
Took the horses again. Didn’t get enough for me to ride alone this time. Ended up with
Sev the holy man. Thought that he might fuss at me some more, but he didn’t. He was— I— He— Fuck, I can’t write this down. It almost felt like when Aja was— He’s nothing like her. Nothing at all. So why— He was warm. It’s been four years since I was that close to anyone. Didn’t miss it. Not before— FUCK. NO. NOTHING HAS CHANGED, DAMN IT.
[And this entry is instantly flung into the fire.]